"Love Stinks!": Harley Quinn rides the Scare-O-Rama ride at Coney Island, and finds it quite enjoyable until one of the monsters within turns out to be a real assassin, who attempts to fill her with buckshot. After realizing that it's Valentine's Day, sh
- That was so not romantic.
- -- Harley Quinn
Appearing in "Love Stinks!"
- Escaped convicts (Die)
- Farmhand (Dies)
- Hired killer (Dies)
- The Joker (Mentioned only)
- Nathan the Dachshund
- Poison Ivy (Mentioned only)
- Police Officer
- Superman (On a TV or computer screen)
- We B Tools employee (Dies)
- Wonder Woman (On a TV or computer screen)
Synopsis for "Love Stinks!"
Harley Quinn rides the Scare-O-Rama ride at Coney Island, and finds it quite enjoyable until one of the monsters within turns out to be a real assassin, who attempts to fill her with buckshot. After realizing that it's Valentine's Day, she is extra insulted, grabs the shotgun, and turns it on her would-be-killer, in front of all the normal customers. As she walks home, she can't help but feel a bit jealous of all the couples enjoying dates together when she is alone. Her mood brightens a bit, though, when she spots Big Tony waiting on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers.
While Tony gives the flowers to her, he admits that they were for Queenie, but when he saw her leaving with another man, he realized that he didn't have a chance, and he misplayed his hand. Harley suggests that she could be his date, but he doesn't want her pity, and advises her to wash up, go out, and break someone else's heart that night.
So, Harley takes a bath, and must admit to herself (and her stuffed beaver, Bernie) that she's lonely, and misses the Joker. Bernie suggests that she get out there and meet someone. Giving all of her attention to her beaver is going to make her seem antisocial. Wistfully, Harley responds that she wants to find someone who'll lover her unconditionally, for who she is. She stuffs Tony's bouquet into a watering can next to the potted plants that Poison Ivy left her, and notices that one of them has sprouted some berries. Giving them a sniff, she decides they smell good enough to eat, and throws caution to the wind - popping them into her mouth. They smell better than they taste.
A phone call brings the good news that she got the job as a therapist at the nursing home, and she is filled with excitement. Finally she'll be making some money, and she'll be able to keep the building she inherited. Gleefully, she decides to go out and celebrate by getting dolled up and going to singles a bar in Sheepshead Bay.
Only five minutes away from her apartment, Harley is spotted by a corrections officer carting a bus-load of criminals to the prison, and he immediately falls in love with her, slamming on the breaks so hard and suddenly that he crashes into a wall, and accidentally releases all of his prisoners. Concerned, Harley pops over to see if everyone made it out alright. Within moments, they are all in love with her - and given their impulse control issues, they chase her.
Seriously creeped out, she decides she needs a weapon, and rushes into a closed tool shop, breaking down the door. As soon as he lays eyes on her, the shop's owner falls in love with her too, prompting him to defend her against the onslaught of besotted criminals long enough for her to get her hands on the tools she hopes will protect her against their unwanted advances.
Brandishing a weed-wacker, she warns them that they can all leave, or she'll kill them all (her preferred of the two options). Naturally, violence ensues, and she begins cutting, hammering, nailing, and weed-wacking her way through her would-be lovers. When only one remains, she demands to know what the attraction to her is, and he explains that she smells amazing. His perversion is a turn-off though, and she clubs him to death with a monkey wrench.
Outside, a police officer waits outside, demanding Harley drop the wrench, but - again - upon getting within smelling distance, she kisses her. Confused, Harley pulls away, as the woman explains that while she isn't into women, she couldn't help it. Harley simply smells like the best doughnuts ever. Finally, Harley realizes that it must be the berries she ate that are affecting everyone.
She rushes home and flings the offending plant from her window, and into a nearby seal pool. Flopping backward onto her bed, she declares that she is done with romance. Just then, Tony lets himself in, and she begs him to stay out. He seems unaffected, and she realizes that the berries' effects must have worn off, brushing off his confusion.
Tony makes an embarrassing request: he needs his bouquet back. He decided that he needs to fight for Queenie. Harley is encouraging, returning the flowers, and placing the last remaining of Ivy's berries into his palm, promising that it will guarantee him an edge.
Harley turns her attention to all of her dogs, reminding herself that all the unconditional love she needs can be found with them. Valentine's Day, meanwhile, is - in her mind - the meanest holiday there is, and she's over it. Still, it seems to be doing Tony some good, as both Queenie and her date are infatuated with him now.
- This book was first published on February 19, 2014.
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