"Lobo's Big Birfday Bash": Following the directions of an anonymous letter to Weezil's World, Lobo cautiously sneaks into the darkened rendezvous of Ned's Lair. Flicking on the light switch, a gathering of familiar faces shout, "Surprise!" and Lobo instinctively reacts by fi
- Darlene, honey, I don't wanna hurt yer feelin's -- though I wouldn't mind feelin' yer hurtin's so t'speak -- but what kinda present is that for a man?
- -- Lobo
Appearing in "Lobo's Big Birfday Bash"
- The Brothers Kalashnikov (All three die)
- Tartan Quarantino
- Johnny Quietus
- Stripper (Single appearance; unnamed)
- Bunsen (Mentioned only)
- Weezil's World
- Ned's Lair (Destroyed)
- Planet Eternity (Mentioned only)
- Hammer City (Mentioned only)
- Frag Frams Whiskey "No Redeeming Features"
- Bisley's Fraggin' Ale "1 Million Proof"
- Jumpin' Jack Frag
- Dom Fraggignon
- Fragermeister "All Occasion Hootch"
- Lobo's Gifts
- Flamethrower (from Murder)
- Bomb Detector (from Darlene)
- The Brothers Kalashnikov (from Jonas)
- Diner Deed (from Al)
Synopsis for "Lobo's Big Birfday Bash"
Following the directions of an anonymous letter to Weezil's World, Lobo cautiously sneaks into the darkened rendezvous of Ned's Lair. Flicking on the light switch, a gathering of familiar faces shout, "Surprise!" and Lobo instinctively reacts by firing into the crowd. Tartan Quarantino waves a white flag from behind a tabletop, reassuring him that it's just his friends. Lobo shoots the bottle in Tartan's hand, proclaiming he doesn't have any friends. Jonas and Darlene tell him otherwise and Al reveals it was he who sent the letter to lure him here. He flicks a switch to change the outside sign from the anagram of "Ned's Lair" back to reading "Al's Diner."
Lobo comments on how well dressed Al is, who explains in return how Lobo's destruction of Hammer City made him rich, now with a diner franchise spread across the galaxy. Al holds a piece of paper in his hand, a present that he will give him later, while Lobo complements Darlene as she passes.
Jonas proposes a toast, or rather a drinking competition, and the festivities begin. One guest thinks it will be funny to play some cutesy music and gets a hook in his face for the trouble, while a blindfolded Quietus accidentally pins a tail on Darlene, who retaliates with a fierce slap. Jonas orders Goldstar to fetch another bottle of booze for 'Bo. The abiding amnesiac ponders why he keeps calling him "Goldstar" instead of "Dick." Lobo smashes a bottle over his noggin to break his suspicious train of thought. Another drinking competition ensues.
Lobo is encouraged to open his gifts. He grins savagely at the flamethrower Murder bought him, just as an irate neighbour bursts through the front door demanding they keep the noise down. Lobo tests his new weapon out on the party-pooper. Darlene hands him her present next, a bomb detector to keep him safe. Lobo tries to gently break his disappointment, ignoring the beeping warning directed towards the a package labelled from, "a bitter foe." The booby trap detonates in his face, demonstrating that Lobo actually enjoys getting blown up.
After yet another drinking competition interlude, Jonas directs 'Bo to an oversized box which he tears into, releasing the wanted Kalashnikov Brothers. Lobo brutally attacks the Rusky renegades to a vigorous chorus of "Happy Birthday." Darlene appeals to Al to stop the carnage. Al, on the other hand, is relaxed, not batting an eye to all the damage being caused to the diner. Lobo ties one brother up alive so he can eat his innards as a treat later. He commends Jonas on his thoughtful offering when they overhear Tartan blabbering to himself again. Jonas doesn't understand how 'Bo can put up with it and socks Quarantino in the jaw.
A giant birthday cake is wheeled out of the kitchen, and Lobo drools greedily, not at the cake, but at the sight of the busty blonde babe that jumps out of it. Lobo takes her arm hoping to lead her to a private booth when Darlene intervenes. The fiery red head cries sexist degradation of women but Lobo smirks and accuses her of being jealous, inviting her to retire with him instead. Darlene strikes him across the face and storms off into the kitchen. Jonas advises Lobo to apologise which is scoffed at.
Tears in her eyes, Darlene is joined by the hired entertainment who consoles her, handing her a drink. The blonde points out what a bunch immature male pigs they are, and after downing enough alcohol, Darlene finds a someone's gun holster and has a drunken epiphany. The two affronted beauties enter the restaurant, guns blazing. They demand everyone to take off their clothes and get in the cake. Jonas doesn't take the threat seriously until his drink is blasted out of his grip.
Huddled together in their underwear, the men are told to remove what's left by the sniggering ladies. Goldstar is horrified at exposing himself to a woman before marriage and pleads his case, but Darlene silences him by letting off a few rounds. The chandelier above is severed and comes crashing down on him. As he rises from underneath the crystal shards his old memories return to him, as well the indignities Lobo and Jonas bestowed upon him. Furious, Goldstar attacks them simultaneously. Pinning Lobo down, Goldstar prepares to cleanse the degenerate of all his evil. Someone incites another drinking competition, and Lobo excuses himself from Goldstar's assault to empty a bottle, which he then cracks against his opponent's skull once finished. Lobo heaves the goody goody supercheez across the room and reaches for his flamethrower. He douses Goldstar in flame, inadvertently setting the premises up in smoke also.
As a swarm of drunken, half-naked men evacuate the burning building, Al decides to hand Lobo his gift. 'Bo reads over the title deed to his very own diner which is currently a scorching inferno, accompanied by Al's hysterical laughter. A final drinking competition acts as a wake for the razed venue, and Darlene finds a moment to sit with Lobo alone and apologise. Curious, she inquires just how old Lobo is, a question he can't answer himself. He didn't even know it was his birthday!
- Lobo's next publication appearance is in Guy Gardner: Warrior #29.
- Darlene's gift is wrapped in paper with a love heart pattern. She also displays a lot of affection towards him throughout the issue.
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Links and References
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