"Road Rage": Approaching Kolossus on his hawg, Lobo grows excited at burning rubber on the planet of perpetual motion, a world entirely covered in roads. He asks his companion Squeaker if he's up for it too, which is rhetorical since the informant is tied
- I'll give ya my weapons awright, ya jumped-up fraggin' traffic light! BULLETS FIRST!
- -- Lobo
Appearing in "Road Rage"
- Squeaker (Only appearance; dies)
- Al (New Earth)
- Meekly Milde (Single appearance)
- Melda Milde (Single appearance)
- Kiljoy Riggs (Single appearance)
- The Mad Bomber (Only appearance; dies)
- Kolossus Police (Single appearance)
- Traffic Control Satellites (Single appearance)
- Monitor XR3i (Single appearance)
- Monitor 2.2VTi (Single appearance)
- Billy the Poet (Single appearance)
- Strong Booz
- Lug Beer (Mentioned only)
- Lobo's Spacehog (With wheels and flying)
- Al's Mobile Diner (Destroyed)
- Milde's Blazerati
- Police Motorcycles (Destroyed)
- Hijacked "Kolossus Tours" Bus (Destroyed)
- Billy the Poet's Tour Van
- Big Fuel Truck Co. Tanker (Destroyed)
- Church of the Almight Car (Cameo)
Synopsis for "Road Rage"
Approaching Kolossus on his hawg, Lobo grows excited at burning rubber on the planet of perpetual motion, a world entirely covered in roads. He asks his companion Squeaker if he's up for it too, which is rhetorical since the informant is tied to the bike. Before they can enter the atmosphere, Lobo is stopped by one of the many autonomous traffic control satellites orbiting the safety-conscious society. The Main Man identifies himself, stating his business as a bounty hunter tracking down Kiljoy Riggs. The robotic sentry confirms that Riggs has been cleared to land already and, like him, Lobo will have to declare all his weapons. Disgruntled, Lobo tries to give him the bullets first, but the security override renders his firearm harmless. He reluctantly fills the basket with everything he has, including his watch. Explaining that it's also a timed explosive, Lobo places it on top of the large pile, surreptitiously set to two hours.
On the busy highways of Kolossus, newlyweds, Meekly and Melda Milde, drive off happily to start their life together, when an impatient Czarnian, refusing to wait for a clear opening to merge, side swipes their Blazerati sports car with his Spazfrag. A monitor satellite alerts the police to the infringement who immediately speed off in pursuit. Lobo orders Squeaker to keep and eye out for Kiljoy and to stop his incessant nervous squeaking. Meekly Milde is anxious himself with the crazy biker tailgating him.
Further up the road, Al hands a customer their order cheerfully from the side of his mobile diner. Content with doing what he loves far away from trouble, Al's face drops mid-pancake flip as he watches Lobo roll up beside him. Lobo compliments him on his new flapjack headwear before complimenting Darlene's buns as she drives. Meekly tries flashing a proximity warning message on the rear of his car but Lobo, drinking Strong Booz he purchased from Al, ignores the notice and tosses his empty can at the driver's head. Another monitor satellite communicates the violation to the authorities.
Deciding he needs a better view, Lobo hops from his bike into a bus window just as the police swarm behind. Meekly decides to teach the jerk behind him a lesson and slams on his breaks, only to have the SpazFrag's autopilot drive right over the convertible. The coach passengers are actually glad to see the stranger, hoping he can save them from the Mad Bomber who has hijacked the bus, which will explode if the speed deviates from fifty miles per hour. Lobo regretfully excuses himself, wishing he could stay for the explosion, and jumps from the other side onto a hippy van passing underneath.
Lobo does his best to concentrate on surveying the sea of vehicles for his bounty, until he's distracted by poetry spewing from the loudspeaker at his feet. He rips the speaker set from the roof and hurls it towards the pursuing police, losing them by leaping onto a fuel truck. He gloats as the cops fade into the distance, but fails to notice the low bridge behind him.
Meekly Milde is furious with the rogue motorcyclist and decides to ram him from behind. Squeaker, still bound to the bike, lets out a terrified squeak which Meekly mistakes for an insult.
Back beneath the low bridge, Lobo picks himself up from the tarmac only to be run down by a large rig. He shakes off the pain to escape the incoming police fire. As he weaves through the traffic, Lobo steps into the path of the approaching Kiljoy Riggs, whom he rips from the bike with his hook and pummels into submission.
Incensed by the horrendous driver in front of him, Meekly Milde presses the "double turbo" button on his Blazerati and scorches past Lobo's unmanned bike. Spotting police as soon as he overtakes, Meekly tries to switch off the turbo to no avail, and the sports car launches over the side of the highway, ploughing through the cops trying to apprehend Lobo before tearing Al's Mobile Diner in two. High above the chaos, the traffic satellite that confiscated Lobo's weapons explodes after two hours. The out of control Blazerati roars the wrong direction towards a fuel tanker that swerves to narrowly avoid them, only to collide head-on with the hijacked tour bus, resulting in an unparalleled conflagration and massive pile up of 23 billion vehicles.
Lobo stands beside Meekly who has managed to bring his car to a halt. Lobo turns to see his hawg sidle up with the charred remains of Squeaker strapped to the back. Lobo grabs Meekly by his shirt and blames him for the biggest accident in the cosmos. Figuring there will be a bounty on the one responsible, Lobo straps the groom to his bike alongside Kiljoy Riggs and leaves the carnage behind.
- There is a series of mini-strips throughout this issue entitled Mysteries of the Road, where many chickens are killed crossing a road.
- Lobo states that the only thing he hates more than soul music (Lobo (Volume 2) #22) is poetry, despite saying he appreciated Etrigan's "pomes" in Demon (Volume 3) #13, even trying to rhyme himself.
- Kolossus of Roads is a pun on the Colossus of Rhodes.
- The Milde couple are married by the Church of the Almighty Car, a callback to the Church of the Almighty Frag, a religion Lobo started in Lobo (Volume 2) #11.
- The bus with the bomb that will explode if it's not kept at fifty miles per hour is a reference to the film Speed.
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Links and References
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