"True Stories of the Highway Patrol": Parked behind a billboard on Route 66, Highway Patrol officers, Broderick and Crawford, kill time playing "I Spy" when a vehicle races past at an incredible speed. They switch on their siren and pursue the lawbreaking Lobo, who ignores t
- YeHAAA, yabastiches! yagotth'MainManonafreniedfraggin'SPEEDBINGE!
- -- Lobo
Appearing in "True Stories of the Highway Patrol"
- Highway Patrol
- Broderick (Single appearance)
- Crawford (Single appearance)
- Slater (Only appearance; dies)
- Candy (Only appearance; dies)
- The Heelander (Single appearance)
- Big Dug (Only appearance; dies)
- Wee Dug (Only appearance; dies)
- The Mafia (All die)
- The F.B.I. (All die)
- Motel Manager (Only appearance; dies)
- Slater's Brother (Only appearance; dies)
- Slater's Wife (Mentioned only)
- Franky, Candy's Husband (Mentioned only)
- The Pukes of Hazzard (Billboard only)
- Highway Patrol Officer (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only; dies)
- The Flash (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- Batman (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- The Joker (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- The Creeper (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- Superman (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- Hitman (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- Route 66
- Lonesome Motel
- Chalet 23
- Las Vegas (Mentioned only)
- Sirian Sulphate (Speed)
- Lobo's Spacehog (With Wheels)
- Batmobile (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
- Jokermobile (Heroes of the Highway Patrol only)
Synopsis for "True Stories of the Highway Patrol"
Parked behind a billboard on Route 66, Highway Patrol officers, Broderick and Crawford, kill time playing "I Spy" when a vehicle races past at an incredible speed. They switch on their siren and pursue the lawbreaking Lobo, who ignores the police tailing him as he almost runs down an elderly Native American with his hawg. The Main Man catches up to a red convertible and wolf-whistles at the babe driving. Concentrating on the blonde, Lobo fails to notice the patrol car trying to stop him on his left, and concentrating on the callous motorcyclist, the police fail to notice the truck heading straight for them. Broderick manages to swerve off the road at the last second. The rig loses control and turns on its side into a building, while the patrol car crashes over the rough desert terrain before coming to a halt with a cactus through the windscreen. Plucking prickles from themselves, the furious duo ignore the overturned truck, determined to apprehend the one who caused the accident.
Holed up in a room at the Lonesome Motel, Slater celebrates getting away with one million credits and fifty kilos of Sirian sulphate by sampling some of the product himself. His accomplice, Candy, is not as confident, knowing her husband Franky and the Mob will be persistent in tracking them down. Completely buzzed, Slater tells her to relax and snort some speed, seeing as the only person who knows their whereabouts is his brother.
In the back of a limousine, surrounded by heavily armed Mafia goons, Slater's brother, with a gun pressed against his temple, swears he doesn't know where his brother is. The gangster interrogating him pistol whips his nose to jog his memory. He reveals they're at the Lonesome Motel on Route 66 and is immediately executed and tossed from the moving limo.
A large dog barks in a terrified local's face as he tells a large, kilted man he saw a couple pass by that meets his description. The burly "Heelander" tells his two dogs to beg for their supper before setting them loose on the innocent man.
Lobo picks up the scent of the two runaway lovers at the motel and parks outside reception. He asks the manager which room Slater and Candy are staying in, then orders a pizza to be delivered. Assuming he won't be the only party interested in the criminal couple, he sits down on a hill and surveys the scene, just in time to see the highway patrol screech to a halt as Broderick recognises his bike sitting out front. On the other side of the premises, a limousine pulls up, and the Mob enforcers storm chalet 23, training their guns on the thieves. Lobo watches with interest as he spots the feds make their move two doors down, catching the Mafia off guard in a raid.
Lobo stubs out his cigar and decides to join the party. He crashes through the window of the room at exactly the same time as the Heelander bursts in from the opposite side. The room is tense as everyone encircles the scared couple on the bed in a crowded Mexican stand off. A federal agent tries to take command of the volatile situation but Lobo butts in, claiming he has first rights seeing as Candy's husband hired him to kill Slater and retrieve her alive. The Heelander points his gun at his rival bounty hunter, as he was commissioned by Slater's wife to kill Candy and return her husband alive. The agents are shoved out of the way as Broderick and Crawford barge through the door, shoving a shotgun in Lobo's face. Slater nervously tries to defuse the situation by offering everyone some sulphate but the agent gives everyone until the count of three to drop their weapons.
There is a knock on the ajar door and the receptionist enters with a pizza. He pauses as he notices a room full of guns all aimed at him and he slowly backs out apologising. The motel manager accidentally trips over a mobster, causing him to fire into the air. Immediately the room is ablaze with unrelenting gunfire from every direction while Dawg attacks the Heelanders hounds. Broderick and Crawford hit the ground, the manager who is not as quick, is shot in the face. Two of a kind, Lobo and the Heelander simultaneously decide to lob grenades at one another. The explosives collide in mid air and drop into the bag of sulphate which detonates into a noxious cloud of speed.
In a drug fuelled frenzy, Lobo and the Heelander unload their firearms until their clips run dry, slaughtering everyone in the crossfire, including Slater and Candy. Broderick and Crawford manage to keep low and crawl out of the chaos clutching a bag. With no more ammo, the two bounty hunters draw their blades and brawl savagely. Dawg stands blood-soaked over the corpses of the other two dogs and spots the pizza on the floor which he devours greedily.
The two battered policemen flee the scene as fast a possible, watching the furious battle between two hyper hit men fade into the distance. Crawford opens the bag and bathes in the wads of money as they eagerly speed off towards Vegas.
- Although this story is set on Earth, the money is referred to as "creds" (intergalactic credits) instead of American dollars. The same is applied to the narcotic, which is named "Sirian sulphate" implying it is extraterrestrial. It is unknown if Slater, Candy, the Mafia, and the Heelander are aliens or not, but based on the use of the off-world currency and substance, it would seem they are, except the involvement of the F.B.I. implies otherwise.
- It is unknown if the Heelander survived his battle with Lobo.
- There is a series of mini-strips throughout the issue, entitled Heroes of the Highway Patrol.
- The billboard the police hide behind has The Pukes of Hazzard advertising Lungbuster cigarettes.
- The blonde in the red convertible is a possible homage to the scenes with Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon's Vacation.
- The plot of a young couple running off with a bag full of Mob drugs is a reference to True Romance. The character Slater shares his name with Christian Slater who stars in the film.
- The Heelander is a Scottish stereotype who mentions "the gathering" and "the quickening," references to the film Highlander.
- The pizza is from "Pizzabos."
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Links and References
- No external links.